You send a text and don’t get a response.
You immediately reread what you wrote.
Did that sound weird? Was I too much? Are they annoyed with me?
Your boss gives you one piece of constructive feedback, and somehow the ten positive things they said disappear.
You walk away thinking:
I’m terrible at my job.
Someone’s energy seems different at dinner, and instead of assuming they’re tired, distracted, or having a bad day, you wonder:
Did I do something?
You make a decision you’re genuinely happy with—until someone else questions it.
And suddenly you’re questioning it too.
If you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think of you, you may have been told that you need to “stop caring so much.”
If only it were that easy.
Caring about what other people think isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re insecure or overly sensitive. Humans are wired for connection. We want to belong.
The problem is when other people’s approval becomes the thing that determines whether you feel okay about yourself.
Why Do I Need Everyone to Like Me?
Wanting to be liked is normal.
We’re social beings, and relationships matter to us. Being accepted by other people feels good. Rejection doesn’t.
But for some people, the desire to be liked becomes something more.
You don’t simply prefer that someone likes you.
You feel anxious when you think they might not.
You may replay conversations afterward, searching for something you said wrong. You might change your opinions depending on who you’re with. You may agree to things you don’t want to do because disappointing someone feels unbearable.
You might apologize constantly.
You may be extremely good at reading a room.
And you may spend an enormous amount of energy trying to make sure everyone around you is okay.
Eventually, you can become so focused on other people’s reactions that you lose track of an important question:
What do I think?
Social Media Has Turned Comparison Into a Full-Time Activity
For young adults in particular, there has probably never been a time when we’ve had this much access to what everyone else is doing—and what everyone else thinks about what we’re doing.
You can post a photo and immediately receive measurable feedback.
Likes.
Comments.
Views.
Followers.
And silence.
You can see who watched your story. You can notice who didn’t like your post. You can watch other people’s relationships, careers, bodies, vacations, friendships, apartments, weddings, and accomplishments unfold in real time.
Even when you know intellectually that social media is curated, your brain can still make comparisons.
She looks better than I do.
They’re always invited places.
Everyone is getting engaged.
Their career is taking off.
Why does everyone else seem to have more friends?
And sometimes the comparison isn’t even with strangers or influencers.
It’s with the people you went to high school or college with.
That can hit differently.
Sometimes This Starts Much Earlier
For some people, worrying about what others think isn’t primarily a social media problem.
It’s an old survival strategy.
Maybe you grew up in a family where achievement was highly valued.
Maybe being a “good kid” meant being easy, responsible, successful, helpful, or agreeable.
Maybe you had a parent whose moods were unpredictable, so you became very skilled at figuring out how everyone else was feeling.
Maybe you were bullied or excluded.
Maybe you struggled socially.
Maybe you received a lot of criticism.
Or maybe nothing dramatic happened at all.
You simply learned somewhere along the way:
If people approve of me, I’m okay.
That belief can follow you into adulthood without your consciously realizing it’s there.
People Pleasing Often Looks Like Being “Really Nice”
People pleasing can be difficult to recognize because it’s frequently rewarded.
People may describe you as thoughtful, generous, dependable, easygoing, or incredibly helpful.
And maybe you genuinely are all of those things.
The question is what happens inside you when you consider not being those things.
Can you say no without feeling guilty?
Can someone be disappointed in you without feeling compelled to fix it?
Can you disagree with someone you love?
Can you let a text sit unanswered because you’re busy?
Can you choose the restaurant?
Can you ask for what you need?
Can you tolerate the possibility that someone might misunderstand you?
If the answer is consistently no, being “nice” may sometimes be less about kindness and more about keeping yourself emotionally safe.
Why Does Someone Being Upset With Me Feel So Awful?
This is where things can get interesting.
Imagine you tell a friend you can’t attend something.
They respond:
Okay.
That’s it.
One word.
And your nervous system goes wild.
You immediately think they’re angry.
You start composing another text:
I’m so sorry. I really wish I could come. I’ve just had such a crazy week and I promise I’ll make it up to you…
Pause.
What actually happened?
Your friend said okay.
Your emotional response may be much larger than the information you actually received.
When that happens, it can be useful to get curious.
Sometimes a reaction in the present is connected to something older.
If disappointment, anger, criticism, or rejection felt threatening earlier in your life, your nervous system may still respond strongly to the possibility of it now—even when you’re no longer in the same situation.
Your brain isn’t necessarily saying:
This reminds me of something that happened when I was nine.
It simply sends the alarm.
The Exhausting Habit of Mind Reading
People who worry a lot about what others think often become very good at something psychologists call mind reading.
Not actual mind reading.
The much less useful kind.
She thinks I’m annoying.
My boss regrets hiring me.
They’re only inviting me because they feel bad.
He didn’t text back because he’s losing interest.
Everyone at that party thought I was awkward.
Notice how definitive those statements sound.
Not:
I’m worried she might think I’m annoying.
But:
She thinks I’m annoying.
Your brain takes an uncertainty and turns it into a fact.
And interestingly, it rarely mind-reads anything positive.
You probably aren’t lying awake thinking:
I bet everyone at dinner was incredibly impressed by how delightful I was.
An anxious brain tends to fill in missing information with the explanation that feels most threatening.
Perfectionism and Approval Often Travel Together
If you believe that your worth depends on how other people see you, perfectionism makes a certain kind of sense.
If you’re perfect, nobody can criticize you.
If you say the right thing, nobody will reject you.
If you look good enough, work hard enough, achieve enough, and make everyone happy, maybe you’ll finally feel secure.
Except perfection is an impossible standard.
So instead of creating security, perfectionism often creates chronic anxiety.
Every new situation becomes another opportunity to get something wrong.
A presentation.
A date.
A job interview.
A conversation.
A social media post.
Even a casual interaction can become something to evaluate afterward.
Was I okay?
Dating Can Make This Even Louder
Dating can be especially challenging when you depend heavily on external validation.
Modern dating involves an extraordinary amount of ambiguity.
Someone texts constantly and then disappears.
You have a great date and don’t know when you’ll hear from them again.
Someone watches your Instagram story but doesn’t answer your message.
You have access to just enough information to analyze everything and not enough information to actually know what any of it means.
If rejection already feels like proof that something is wrong with you, dating can become an emotional roller coaster.
Instead of asking:
Do I like this person?
you may spend the entire date wondering:
Do they like me?
That’s an important distinction.
What If Someone Actually Doesn’t Like Me?
Here is the part nobody particularly enjoys.
It’s going to happen.
You can be kind, thoughtful, interesting, emotionally healthy, and generally wonderful to be around—and someone still won’t like you.
Someone may misunderstand you.
Someone may think you’re too quiet.
Someone else may think you’re too loud.
You may set a healthy boundary and someone may be unhappy about it.
You may make a decision that is right for you and disappoint someone you love.
Growing into a stronger sense of self doesn’t mean reaching a point where you genuinely don’t care what anyone thinks.
It means becoming better able to tolerate the fact that other people’s opinions of you aren’t entirely within your control.
Start Asking a Different Question
If you spend a lot of time wondering:
What do they think of me?
try adding:
What do I think of me?
Did I behave according to my values?
Was I kind?
Was I honest?
Did I communicate clearly?
Did I respect my own boundaries?
Did I do something because I wanted to—or because I was afraid of someone’s reaction?
And in relationships:
Do I like this person?
Do I feel comfortable around them?
Can I be myself?
Do they treat me well?
Those questions bring some of the attention back to the one person whose opinion you’ve probably been ignoring:
Your own.
Therapy Can Help You Understand Why Approval Feels So Important
Sometimes simply recognizing people pleasing, perfectionism, social anxiety, or comparison is enough to start making changes.
Other times, the pattern is deeply rooted.
Therapy can help you understand where the need for approval came from, recognize the situations that activate it, and begin developing a stronger internal sense of worth.
It can also help you practice something that may initially feel extremely uncomfortable:
Letting other people have their feelings.
Someone can be disappointed and you can still say no.
Someone can disagree with you and you don’t have to convince them.
Someone can take a little longer to answer your text without you assuming you’ve done something wrong.
Someone can even dislike you.
And you can still be okay.
The goal isn’t to stop caring about other people.
It’s to stop abandoning yourself in order to make sure everyone else approves of you.
Therapy for Young Adults in Hermosa Beach and the South Bay
At Beach Cities Psychotherapy, we work with teens and young adults navigating anxiety, perfectionism, people pleasing, relationships, self-esteem, family dynamics, trauma, and the pressure of figuring out who they are and what they want.
Our office is located in Hermosa Beach, serving clients throughout the South Bay, including Redondo Beach, Manhattan Beach, Torrance, El Segundo, and Palos Verdes.
If you’re looking for therapy for young adults, anxiety, people pleasing, or self-esteem in Hermosa Beach or the South Bay, contact Beach Cities Psychotherapy to learn more about working with Julia.
You probably won’t reach a point where you never care what anyone thinks of you.
But you can reach a point where what you think of yourself matters more.