The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. At least, that’s what we’re told.
We’re surrounded by images of beautifully decorated homes, smiling families gathered around elaborate meals, thoughtful gifts, and joyful celebrations. Commercials, movies, and social media reinforce the idea that the holidays should be magical, meaningful, and, above all, happy.
But for many people, the holidays are anything but.
Instead, they bring stress, complicated family dynamics, financial pressure, loneliness, grief, and the exhausting feeling that we’re somehow doing it all wrong.
Sometimes, the biggest source of holiday stress isn’t what’s actually happening. It’s the gap between what we think the holidays should be and what they really are.
The good news? We don’t necessarily have to change our circumstances to change our experience of them.
The Problem With Holiday Expectations
Think about how much pressure we put on a handful of days each year.
We want the perfect meal, the perfect gifts, the perfect decorations, and the perfect family gathering. We want everyone to get along. We want our children to appreciate the effort we’ve made. We want to feel connected, grateful, and happy.
And when reality doesn’t cooperate, we feel disappointed.
Maybe the dinner is chaotic. Someone complains about the food. Your teenager spends half the evening on their phone. A family member makes an inappropriate comment. Or perhaps everything goes according to plan, but you still feel strangely empty.
Expectations can turn what might otherwise be perfectly enjoyable experiences into disappointments.
Comparison makes this even worse.
We see other people’s holiday photos and imagine that their families are happier, their traditions are more meaningful, and their celebrations are more joyful than ours.
Of course, we’re comparing our complicated, behind-the-scenes reality to someone else’s carefully selected highlights.
And when we spend so much energy trying to create the holiday we think we’re supposed to have, we can lose sight of what’s actually happening right in front of us.
Sometimes the holidays feel hollow because we’re so focused on making them meaningful that we forget to experience them.
Find the Humor in What You Already Know Is Coming
Let’s talk about that uncle.
You know the one.
Every year, he makes an inappropriate comment, asks an intrusive question, brings up politics, or offers an unsolicited opinion about your life.
And every year, you’re surprised and irritated when he does it.
But here’s a thought: What if you stopped being surprised?
What if, instead of dreading his inevitable comment, you anticipated it with a little humor?
There he goes again. Right on schedule.
You don’t have to agree with him. You don’t have to appreciate his behavior. And you certainly don’t have to engage in a conversation you don’t want to have.
But you do have a choice about how much emotional energy you give it.
Sometimes reframing a predictable annoyance as something almost comically predictable can take away some of its power.
And here’s another way to look at it: At the end of dinner, you get to go home. You don’t have to deal with that uncle again until the next family gathering.
But that uncle? He’s stuck with himself every single day.
A little humor can go a long way.
Of course, humor isn’t appropriate for every situation. If someone’s behavior is genuinely abusive, threatening, or harmful, you don’t need to laugh it off. Protecting yourself may mean limiting contact or leaving altogether.
But when we’re dealing with the ordinary irritations and predictable personalities that come with family gatherings, sometimes a change in perspective is all we need.
Stop Fighting the Family Tension
Many families have complicated histories.
There may be unresolved conflicts, strained relationships, old resentments, or people who simply don’t get along.
The holidays can bring all of those dynamics into one room.
We often approach these gatherings hoping that somehow this year will be different. Everyone will behave. Nobody will bring up the past. There won’t be any awkward moments.
And then, inevitably, there are.
What if, instead of fighting the tension, you simply accepted that it exists?
Acceptance doesn’t mean approving of someone’s behavior, excusing hurtful actions, or giving up on healthier relationships.
It means acknowledging reality rather than exhausting yourself wishing it were different.
Yes, there may be tension between two family members. Yes, someone may be irritated. Yes, the atmosphere may feel uncomfortable at times.
You don’t necessarily have to fix it.
You don’t have to mediate every disagreement, manage everyone’s emotions, or make sure every person in the room is having a wonderful time.
Sometimes there’s tremendous freedom in saying to yourself, This is what it is.
And then shifting your attention.
Maybe you head over to the kids’ table, where the conversation is infinitely more interesting. Maybe you help in the kitchen, play with the dog, or spend time with the family members you genuinely enjoy.
When we stop demanding that reality be different, we free up energy to appreciate the parts of it that are good.
The Holidays Can Magnify Grief and Loss
Not all holiday stress comes from difficult family members or unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes the holidays hurt because they remind us of what’s missing.
An empty chair at the dinner table. A tradition that no longer exists. A marriage that has ended. Children who are spending the holiday somewhere else. A family that looks very different from the one we once imagined.
Even positive life transitions can bring a sense of loss. Children grow up. Families change. People move away. Traditions evolve.
And sometimes the holidays make those changes impossible to ignore.
We often feel pressure to push those feelings aside. To focus on gratitude. To count our blessings. To be happy because, after all, it’s the holidays.
But grief doesn’t operate according to a calendar.
And there is something important to remember about emotional pain:
There can be beauty in sadness.
The sadness we feel when someone is missing reminds us of how much we valued their presence.
The pain of a relationship that has ended reflects the significance that relationship once held.
The grief that accompanies a difficult life transition reminds us that something mattered to us, even if we’re moving toward something new.
We don’t need to turn every painful experience into a positive one. Some losses are simply painful.
But allowing ourselves to feel that pain, rather than fighting it, can make room for something meaningful.
You can miss someone and still enjoy dinner. You can feel sadness and gratitude at the same time. You can acknowledge that this holiday isn’t what you wanted while still finding moments worth appreciating.
You don’t have to choose between grieving what you’ve lost and appreciating what remains.
Set Boundaries That Protect Your Peace
The holidays often come with an extraordinary number of demands on our time, energy, finances, and emotional resources.
There are invitations to accept, gifts to buy, meals to prepare, relatives to visit, and conversations we’re expected to participate in.
But here’s something worth remembering: Just because someone wants something from you doesn’t mean you’re obligated to give it.
That includes your time, your attention, your emotional energy, and your willingness to discuss personal matters.
If someone asks an intrusive question about your relationship, your finances, your parenting, or your personal life, you don’t have to answer.
You can simply say:
- “I’d rather not talk about that today.”
- “That’s something I’m keeping private.”
- “Let’s talk about something else.”
- “I’m not getting into that.”
You don’t need to justify your decision or convince the other person that your boundary is reasonable.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people’s behavior. They’re about making decisions regarding your own participation.
You can decide how long you’ll stay at a gathering. You can decline an invitation. You can choose not to host. You can limit spending. You can take a break when you’re overwhelmed.
And you can leave a conversation that isn’t healthy or productive.
It’s also important to recognize that setting boundaries doesn’t guarantee that other people will like them.
Someone may be disappointed. Someone may complain. Someone may even accuse you of being selfish.
That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done anything wrong.
Healthy boundaries are designed to protect our well-being, not to ensure that everyone around us is pleased with our choices.
Let Go of the Pressure to Have a “Happy Holiday”
Everywhere we turn, we’re told to have a Happy Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas, or a Happy Holiday Season.
And while those wishes are generally well-intentioned, they can also reinforce the idea that happiness is somehow required.
But not every holiday is happy.
Some holidays are lonely. Some are stressful. Some are filled with grief. Some are simply ordinary days that happen to come with a lot of expectations.
And that’s okay.
There’s a difference between optimism and toxic positivity.
Optimism allows us to recognize that difficult experiences can coexist with hope and possibility.
Toxic positivity pressures us to dismiss or minimize uncomfortable emotions in favor of maintaining a cheerful outlook.
Telling someone who is grieving to “just focus on the positive” doesn’t make their grief disappear. Telling someone who is struggling with family conflict to “just be grateful” doesn’t resolve the tension.
And telling ourselves that we should be happy can add another layer of distress to an already difficult experience.
What if we stopped requiring the holidays to be happy and simply allowed them to be whatever they are?
Maybe this Thanksgiving is joyful. Maybe it’s bittersweet. Maybe it’s awkward, chaotic, funny, exhausting, or a combination of all of those things.
You don’t have to label it a success or a failure.
You can simply experience it.
Give Yourself Permission to Have an Imperfect Holiday
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves during the holiday season is permission to let go.
Let go of the perfect family photograph.
Let go of the expectation that everyone will get along.
Let go of the idea that you have to attend every event, answer every question, or meet everyone else’s needs.
Let go of the belief that you should feel a certain way simply because it’s a holiday.
Instead, try approaching the season with curiosity, flexibility, and a little humor.
Notice the moments that are genuinely enjoyable, even if they’re small.
Allow yourself to feel sadness when it shows up.
Accept that some people will behave exactly as they’ve always behaved.
Set boundaries when you need them.
And remember that you don’t have to fix every uncomfortable moment.
The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.
They don’t even have to be happy.
Sometimes, finding peace during the holidays begins with letting them be exactly what they are.
Finding Support During the Holiday Season
The holidays can bring complicated emotions to the surface, particularly when you’re navigating grief, family conflict, relationship challenges, anxiety, or major life transitions.
At Beach Cities Psychotherapy, our therapists help individuals, couples, and families navigate these challenges, establish healthier boundaries, and develop tools for managing stress and difficult emotions.
We serve clients in Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, Manhattan Beach, Torrance, El Segundo, and surrounding South Bay communities, with in-person and virtual therapy options.
If the holiday season is bringing up more than you feel equipped to manage on your own, we’re here to help.
Reach out for more information.